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The Ultimate Guide to Gay Chat
If you think dating is hard, you should try being gay. Dating for those in the gay community is extremely difficult.
People may think that dating people of the same gender is easier but boy, are they wrong!
If anything, it's more difficult to deal with people who are similar than two people who are different.
I think that a lot of people have the preconceived notion that when there are two men in a relationship that they'll cut through all the crap and it'll be a drama-free situation. And when it comes to lesbian relationships, I think people expect two women to communicate effectively.
But when it comes down to it, people aren't gendered stereotypes. People are people, and if you know anything about people you'll know that people are difficult.
Plus, when you're in the straight dating realm, it's usually pretty easy to tell who your perceived dating pool is. However, unless you're always in purely gay/lesbian spaces, it's probably going to be difficult to tell who's into you! You'll constantly be asking yourself if you just made a platonic friend or if they're interested in something else. You'll always be wondering if that person was just nice or if they're flirting with you. Only (gay) god knows.
Before the internet, gays would mostly hang out at bars and clubs that were safe spaces for them. However, now that being gay is more socially acceptable and the internet is a thing it's becoming easier to communicated and find like-minded people! You don't have to leave the comfort of your couch to find community or someone to flirt with; you can do it all through your phone or laptop.
But what apps should you use? What should you say? Who should send the first message? Does this person want to date? Or just hook up? Should you meet up with them? Or keep your relationship purely digital? Should you send nudes?
There are so many decisions to be made, how can one make the right one every time? Well, I've learned from some serious trial-by-fire, how to navigate the dating sphere. Sure, I still screw up most of the time, but I think I have a pretty good handle on what you should do and say when chatting with other gays! That being said, I've compiled this little ultimate guide for those who are struggling to navigate or who just want a second opinion on their decisions!
Like I mentioned before, I'm not always right. No one can be! But after serving as the resident advice-giver to my friends and to various people on the internet, I feel as if I'm not only qualified but obligated to share my expertise when it comes to dating online within the gay community.
Here is my ultimate guide to all the gay chat apps out there:
Where to chat:
If you haven't noticed, there are a million dating apps and sites out there. All of which are vying for your business. So which companies are actually worth your time and money? I've done a little poking around (both for business and for pleasure), and these are the conclusions I came to:
If you haven't heard of Grindr, you must not only be a baby gay, but you must have just hatched because there's no way you haven't heard of Grindr. This app is one of the leading apps out there for gay chatting (and hooking up). I'd say that Grindr is the gay equivalent to Tinder in that everyone has tried it and probably still has it downloaded on their phone even if they insist they don't use it anymore.
Though, if you've ever used Grindr, you'll know that - unlike Tinder - the app doesn't bother masquerading as a dating app. People who use Grindr know exactly what they're using Grindr to get: sex, nudes, and sexting. And there's no harm in that so long as you're safe about who you talk to, what information you send, and who you decide to meet up with! The same goes for all other dating and hookup apps.
You'll also find a lot of people on Grindr who are looking for people who fit a specific physical demographic (think fit, white, and masculine). There's a lot of discrimination in the gay community which is evident on Grindr.
Scruff seems to be the inclusive response to Grindr. While Grindr will always be a staple in the online gay dating and chatting community, Scruff is looking to create a slightly more inclusive space.
They also have Scruff sponsored events and an entire section on their site that helps assist with planning a literal gay-cation - one that avoids non-gay-friendly places, unlike the journey Ellen Page went on for her series of the same name for Vice.com.
Scruff isn't just a gay chat app; it's a community! I recommend this app for all you baby-gays out there; this will help you get in touch with your local gay community as well as help you navigate gay events and travel in general!
Gay Chat App
Why complicate things? Gay Chat App is exactly what it says it is: it's an app for gays to chat on!
While I like that Scruff built out from their original goal of simply connecting gays on a one-on-one level to facilitating community, I like that this app keeps things simple! And honestly, in the digital age simplicity is something we all strive for in any kind of technology - especially dating apps! Dating is complicated enough, the last things we need are useless features and screens to make it increasingly more difficult.
Fetlife (for all you kinksters)
For all of those of you who have slightly darker tastes when it comes to relationships and sex, this one's for you!
Sure, Fetlife is a site that caters to people of all genders and sexualities, but there's no denying that the gay community is thriving on this site.
If you want to be linked to other gay people within the kink community, you HAVE to get a Fetlife account. I recommend having other accounts on dating apps in conjunction with your Fetlife account. Kink can't be your entire life, but it should be a huge part of it if you're into it.
You're likely to not only find sex and sexting on this site, but you'll find people who want to be your friends and connections that go deeper than just another +1 friend on a social network.
Obviously, you don't have to use a dating app to find love (or sex, or conversation). You have to remember that there was a point in time before the internet where people met organically and in person!
While I don't think you should completely abandon dating apps, you can at least use social media to your advantage! Because you don't have to get a match or alike to slide into someone's DMs and start a conversation.
I know that there's a lot of fear attached to rejection, but the worst thing that can happen is you get turned down, or you gain a platonic friend! And in my opinion, that chance is well worth the emotional risk.
The places where you have the most likely chance of meeting and chatting with someone are on Twitter, Instagram, and Tumblr. I recommend putting your accounts on public on these platforms so that you can get fresh eyes on your face (or other parts of your body... if you know what I mean). Don't be afraid to interact with people who follow you or who are your followers; this will make you more comfortable with flirting with them in the future.
A lot of people meet people on social media sites! So don't be afraid. You might just find your next hookup (or life partner) on this site!
Sending the first message:
When it comes to making the first move, we all hope that the other person will do the hard work for us. I know that at least for me I don't send the first message because of a combination of being nervous and being afraid of rejection. When you first come across someone's profile, you can never be sure if they'll get your humor or respond well to your first message. It's scary! Putting yourself out there is hard!
While I may not always send the first message I, in theory, know what makes a good one! It all depends on what kind of tone you're trying to set.
If you want to start out flirty in hopes your conversation will lead to something steamier, then you should go that route! Just make sure not to be too vulgar.
If you want to start out sweet in hopes you might find yourself on a date, then you should do that but make sure you don't come off too sappy!
Basically, what I'm trying to say is that whatever vibe you're trying to set go for that vibe but dial it back a bit! The last thing you want to do is come off like a crazy person!
One thing I've noticed about people's behavior on dating apps is that those who have the least amount of success either don't spend very much time on the app or people who spend a ton of time chatting and who tend to come on too strong.
Across the internet one thing is true: once you're behind a screen, it isn't hard to be abrasive or throw all social convention to the wind. While being forward might be sexy if you're looking to hook up with a stranger, but sometimes it's not so sexy… and it comes off creepy!
So, when you're talking make sure that whatever boundary you're trying to cross you ease up to first. Don't skip to the good bit (whether that be sexting or asking to hang out immediately), and make sure you're respecting normal social boundaries that seem obsolete when it comes to dating apps.
This is me reminding you that social boundaries (especially when it comes to sex and dating) are still relevant on the internet! Regardless of how many screens are between you another person, make sure you don't act like a total fucking creep!
To meet or not to meet? That is the question:
There comes a time in ever online-flirtationship when you have to decide if you're going to meet in person. Even if you delay that decision, you'll eventually come to a point where you have to decide to maintain the online fantasy relationship, meet in person, or stop talking.
While it's much more normal to meet people from dating apps in person, it's always important to be safe. My theory is that if you have any doubts about whether meeting someone in person is a safe idea, then don't fucking do it. If you have doubts about whether they are who they say they are, don't do it. If you think they could be more than just aggressive in conversation, then don't do it. While a good fuck or a first date might seem like it's worth the risk, it's not worth risking your safety.
That being said, make sure you meet somewhere public and let someone know where you're going. Always have an "escape call" planned for an hour or so into your meeting. If you want to leave, take the call and say there was an emergency. If you want to stay, take the call and let your friend know you're fine or shoot them a text after letting the call go to voicemail. Tell your friend that if you don't answer and send a text within a certain amount of time after ignoring the call that there's something wrong and they should be concerned.
A note on privacy:
One thing a lot of gays get in trouble with is oversharing. I get it; it's hard not to want to send photos to steamy strangers on dating apps or online. But you should be careful that they're not used against you or posted somewhere you might not want them.
I've seen plenty of guy's pictures posted to Tumblr blogs and Twitters without their consent after having sent them to someone who doesn't understand boundaries and privacy.
If you're going to send pics, keep your face out of them and scribble out identifying tattoos or things in the background using photo editing apps (the draw tool on Snapchat works great too).
This is for all you gay ladies out there!
Now don't think I've completely neglected all you lesbians out there! This section is for you!
As Grindr is to gay men, HER is to gay women.
If you're a gay lady, you probably have HER downloaded on your phone or at the very least have given the app a try.
HEr is a great place not only to meet girls to date or hook up with but to meet other women to gain a sense of community. While gay bars are popping up all over, lesbian bars are slowly becoming a thing of the past. And even though gay bars have a ladies night, one night out of the week is hardly enough to form a real sense of community.
The best part about making friends on HER is that they probably have other friends to introduce you to!
In my opinion, HER is easily the best lesbian/bisexual-women centered app out there. However, Bumble also has great functions for meeting girls platonically or romantically or sexually! So know that you have options!
Other ways to chat:
As I mentioned before, Bumble is a pretty great option if you're looking to make friends who are gay and if you're looking to date/fuck gay girls.
However, I've noticed that there is a flourishing lesbian/bi community flourishing on Tumblr and Twitter. I've noticed a ton of flirting going on between women that has culminated in plenty of dates, sexual encounters, and relationships.
I would recommend that you start getting your flirt on with all the gay and bi ladies you can find on Twitter and Tumblr!
Should you meet up?
I don't feel like I need to be writing another section on what red flags to look for before meeting up, but in case you skipped to the bottom permit me to repeat myself:
Don't meet up with people who are sketchy! If you start talking to someone who's really nice but still leaves you with a lot of unanswered questions about who they really are, don't meet up with them! Put yourself first before anyone else.
A note on feelings:
While I feel like I had to lecture the gay men on nudes, I feel like when it comes to women, you're a little more naturally cautious about your bodies and who you're sending your nudes to.
However, when it comes to feelings, this is where women are irresponsible. If you're not a baby gay, you probably are familiar with the term U-Hauling. For the uninitiated, this refers to how lesbians move in together prematurely, often almost immediately after starting to date. So please, be careful when it comes to your feelings. Don't allow yourself to get too attached too quickly. I, myself, fall in love fast, but that doesn't mean that I don't hold myself accountable to act responsibly.
Don't move in mear months after dating. Love takes time. Make sure that if you do move in together that you protect yourself in what kind of lease you sign. Make sure you have a contingency if you need to move out. Just be careful.
Webcam chat is widely spread by now, and it’s slowly taking over the other chat software. The best thing about gay cams is that every single person logged in there is live.
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